In my last “Session Splash – May 26, 2009 Part 1*” I mentioned two letters that I wanted to write to a former client. Please read that post for the background on the following letters. I even go into details of my complaints against him.

This post is hard to write because I tend to not want to express anger. I do not like anger. I am afraid of anger and try to avoid it at all costs. However, once I reach a certain point I switch, and am nothing BUT anger. That said, this topic is eating me alive so I am going to try a technique that has been suggested to me over and over, but that I have avoided using.

The technique involves writing a letter to express your feelings, which as I understand it you usually do not send, at least not right away. At a later date you may decide that you do want to send it to the intended person after all. However, that was not my intention in writing this first letter.

I am going to write two letters. For Part 1, letter one is just strictly for myself and for pure therapeutic benefits. It is to express how I feel, even if what I end up expressing is only true for that moment in time. I am hoping the first letter will release me from negative feelings about the situation and people involved. This site, “Whole Family” talks the benefits from using this type of technique. It also has samples and other resources:

• Sample of the type of letter you wouldn’t send (like mine in this post) and commentary from a psychotherapist
• Instructions for a “Ritual Burning” for your unsent letter

Being Wiccan I really like the “Ritual Burning” technique and will probably burn my hand written version in a similar fashion, but more like this.

So, without further ado, here is my typed version of my hand written note pre-burning, grammatically edited and with some last minute additions and notes to you, the readers. I have to warn you I have a dirty mouth when angry!

“06/15/2009
Started 1:13 a.m.

Hello Rob, (you are a DICK. Surprise to you, I know, but not to anyone else)

You disgust me. I think you always have. When I first met you I felt ‘weary’ of you. I should have taken that as a signal, and I WILL in the future. That feeling means that I am dealing with a jerk – like you!

At first things weren’t as bad, but always weird. I work in home offices very often and you are the least hospitable person I have ever met! No joke. And I have met your mother …what is your excuse? Do you know that your mother and nannie talk about you when you are not there? Do you know that you embarrass your own mother? That she is appalled by the way you act … ever your nannie is. I hate the way you treat people and so do they (your mother and nannie, and probably everyone else).

 You should be ashamed of yourself! All of my clients set up very nice areas for me to work in their homes. Every single one greets me when I get to their home offices and even ask if I would like a drink. They also make sure I am comfortable and that I have everything I need for that days work first thing. Every single client I have does ALL of these things almost everyDAY I work for them. You did NONE, FUCKING not ONE, of these things ever. Fucking EVER in the over 6 months that I worked for you.

At one of my clients I even use his refrigerator and have lunch with him (and his wife and kid – his daughter has even worked in my home office). What do you think of that? Oh right, you don’t mix with the help. Only yell at them. Bark orders and point out errors. You are a joke. And I am NOT the fucking hired help.

You know another thing that made your mother laugh at you? The laughable excuse of a working area that I worked at in your HUGE home office. She watched me pull out the little 2×2 wood plank from you desk and sit down to work in my wooden chair and actually LAUGHED at how insane you are. How could you expect me to work under those conditions for over 7 hours each week.

I am a bookkeeper you stupid, blind FUCK, and I need room to put paperwork. There was only room on that pull out for my laptop and mouse, not any paperwork. So I spread my paperwork out on the couch behind me (yes, a couch was in his office, but not a work area for his wife or bookkeeper) and the floor.

I constantly (weekly) told you I have a back problem and needed a more suitable work area and chair (I asked him for a $80 office chair and told him I would supply a fold-out table if he could store it). I told you I was in lasting pain and daily discomfort because of the chair I was sitting in and because I did not have room for paperwork so that I could work properly. I also told you I like having a full keyboard with a number pad as it greatly helps with my speed and accuracy, which was SO, SO, SO important to you.

And why didn’t you get me a chair? Was it because of money? NOPE. Because you didn’t know where you would store it (in your sparse, two-story 9 room, 5 bathroom mansion) when I wasn’t there. Like you pointed out “I obviously care how the place looks.” What a joke. How could you ignore a person’s pain in trade for vanity? You stupid fucking bastard. I pity your soul, your family and friends, and your pathetic shallow life. I also feel sorry for whatever it is you are compensating for.

There are healthier ways to deal. Believe me, I know.

I am not a commodity, and I do not appreciate being treated like one. You worked at your huge 6 by 5 foot desk  and leather office chair while you had me working on that stupid pull-out on your desk in a child’s wooden, curved-back chair. I also had to supply my own computer, which no other client has ever asked me to do in the past five years. How do you possibly justify all of this?

I know from paying your bills and how you scheme that you are a cheap bastard. NOT frugal, as you like to claim. But cheap and manipulative. Selfish. You even stiffed my best friend! You then turned around and paid Geek Squad for the same job ($244 instead of the $50 you DID NOT pay my friend) and guess what?! They came to the same conclusions and solutions. Unbelievable how you just like to PROVE what a douche you are.

My pointers to you:

In the end I forgive you, but I am glad you passively aggressively fired me because I will never have to see your stupid face again. I was only waiting to quit until I found another client anyway, which I was actively searching for.

I always get by…with a little help from my friends (sorry, true, but I AM listening to the Beatles).

-MM”

hate-love by ~hiriell on deviantART

In Part 2 I will write a letter that I AM actually going to send to the client once I discuss it with my therapist. If I get a response from the letter before posting, I will include it as well. If not, I will include any response in a separate post.

My Monster

My Monster Has A Name… actually many. This blog is a safe place for me to share my healing journey from childhood abuse. The topics covered are at times controversial, offensive, horrific, and hopefully sometimes inspiring. Thank you for sharing in my journey.