Trigger Scale: (2/5) [rate 2]
Tonight I feel so small and alone, with tears always about to come. I have no idea what is wrong, except that I am lost and god has forsaken me. I prayed so hard for his/her guidance, support, and help when I was younger and being abused daily, but never received any answer or reprieve.
I have to believe that god doesn’t exist or has left me alone, and I can only ask myself why? What did I do to be so ignored? Why have I seen and felt so much pain? Why has god forsaken me?
I feel so empty, ignored and invisible. I would do anything to believe that I have a place in this world, but I feel no connection. No connection to this earth, the people here, or anything in it. I feel isolated, as if I am floating in a blackness, separated from everyone else. So much pain in me that I feel everyone should be able to see it…yet there is no one and nothing…
Not even god is here with me anymore…any maybe he never was.
I am broken, and maybe cannot be fixed. I may be lost forever…
What helped me tonight (or allowed me to feel/ponder deeper):
- I took a short walk to a nearby park, which was dark and abandoned at 1:00 a.m. There were about 30 bunnies surrounding me, and I just laid in the middle of the grassy field (and bunnies!), starring at the sky, asking god for a sign, for anything…
- Tonight I am really connecting to these songs: Sia – Breathe Me and The Veronicas – Untouched (because I feel untouched by Love):
- I felt I needed a smell to calm me, and my normal incense, Nag Champa was just was too familiar to do the trick. I know I shouldn’t have, but my roommate had a party and had a few bouquets of flowers so I stole one of the wilting roses. I have been holding it under my nose and it has helped to remind me of nature, and the beauty it can contain…
- I believe the above ideas were an organic thought/feeling continuation of a post I read on another blog, Crackers & Juiceboxes, about grounding.
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