Trigger Scale: (1/5) [rate 1]

I am currently getting ready to scan watch a movie called 8mm. I remember watching this when it first came out, and being really triggered, even though I did not know that word at the time or understand how I was feeling. I have recently started to recovery specific memories of my abuse, and feel that I may be getting some of them confused with scenes from this movie (or maybe I hope so?). Either way, I feel I need to separate my actual memories from images that I may have picked up from the media.

I talked about this with my therapist, and she agreed that if I felt I needed to, that I should watch it. We discussed how I could protect myself, such as watching with a friend, meeting with her the day afterwards, being able to call, writing afterwards, etc.

I have recalled a memory that seems to be at the center of many of my uncovered memories (just intuition talking). I feel like if I can accept this one, I will be able to finally step over the fence of denial, which I have been teetering on for months now. The scene/memory is so real that is almost feels unreal, or like it came from a movie. That is what made me think of this movie, and that the scene must have come from it. I feel I will not be able to deny my denial without proving the scene was not from this movie, as it is my last excuse. I also thought it might be from the movie Primal Fear, I am about to write this memory out, (Warning, links to a triggering story) before I watch the movie, to be un-biased in it’s content.

Since I am really about to watch the film, in about thirty minutes, I am having all sorts of reactions, like I am having a low level panic attack. I feel anxious, the muscles in my neck, shoulders and back have suddenly become tense and painful, and I find myself slightly short of breath. My vision is also hazy and white, letting me know that my brain is slightly overwhelmed. I am taking a moment to smoke (of course) before I watch.

I feel like I am getting ready for a boxing match, but here goes, I’m off to watch the movie. My best friend has split the movie’s ‘bad parts’ out for me, so this will be as quick as possible. What a good friend…

So there was only about ten minutes worth to watch, and after all the hype it was not that disturbing at all. The most disturbing part was writing out my memory before hand. The movie was sick, don’t get me wrong, but the visuals were not that disturbing to me, and nothing like my memory (and also no black doctor’s bag). However, I had thought of another scene that I feel confident is from a movie, and thought might have been from this movie, but obviously not. I do wonder if I could find what movie the scene I’m thinking of was from, since I am picturing two possible particular actors.

Well, no luck researching the actors I was thinking of. For one, they do not look like the face in my memory, nor have they acted in any movies with that kind of content. This must be another denial technique for yet another memory…oh well…I’m done for today.

My Monster Has A Nameā€¦ actually many. This blog is a safe place for me to share my healing journey from childhood abuse. The topics covered are at times controversial, offensive, horrific, and hopefully sometimes inspiring. Thank you for sharing in my journey.