My Monster Is Alive*

Trigger Scale: (1/5) [rate 1]

It has been over a month since I have written! I have gone through many big changes, and am adjusting to them accordingly. Mainly I believe I have accepted that many bad things happened to me when I was younger (more often from a first person perspective now, instead of “out-of-body” or watching it happen to someone else), and I am starting to confront the bigger feelings involved with that realization and acceptance.

I have not kept notes or recordings (therapist keeps forgetting!) of my sessions, so there will be a gap in the session splashes. One of the biggest areas that I have worked on in therapy is anger. I have “issues” when it comes to anger and will stop short of expressing it almost every time without fail. I have been working with my therapist with ways to express my anger while still feeling safe at the same time. She has suggested that we try being angry with pillows in an empty room, and I agreed. However, I have great reservations.

I have also been exploring the reasons I have such a strong aversion to food and have had no natural appetite for the last half decade. My therapist has suggested that I try eating with her in session, and we are going to start with sharing a cup of tea together. This whole things makes me extremely nervous, but I know I need to open myself up to my emotions and try new things in that pursuit.

There is one good thing that has come of all this though. While I have rediscovered that, yes, I DO have emotions, and some of them really DO suck! I have also rediscovered some of the good emotions, such as enjoyment of hobbies, and most important to me, of doing art. I have started to do art projects again, and have many different projects to share.

To do that, I have added a Gallery to the My Monster blog. In my excitement I put everything up, but I will be posting about the different galleries, albums, and some of the individual projects separately over the next few weeks, as well as posting more (especially in the “In Session” gallery). If you have artwork that you would like to share, please contact me.

Feels good to be back on the path!

Kaleidoscope Reverie by =alexiuss on deviantART

My Monster Has A Name… actually many. This blog is a safe place for me to share my healing journey from childhood abuse. The topics covered are at times controversial, offensive, horrific, and hopefully sometimes inspiring. Thank you for sharing in my journey.


  1. Hello Paul-

    So glad to be back! I have been catching up on your blog, and as usual reading every post!

    My therapist just keeps throwing suggestions at me for anger and eating strategies, but up until now I have rejected them out of fear. I am now learning to trust her suggestions, and myself in the follow through.

    Thank you for the continued encouragement.


  2. Glad to see you post!

    This is all remarkable. One of the hardest things we survivors have to do is realize that WE were injured. You are doing that. Bravo.

    I also think it’s pretty great of your therapist to offer the anger and eating strategies. I think it’s always a good idea to do things like these with therapists, assuming they are willing. It encourages trust and helps you in the process.

    So, yaay for you!


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