Learn what a “Session Splash” is.

discussed blog being a place to express myself and about my block writing my about me page. this blog is my first attempt to share my story, in any form, so getting started is hard. it makes me feel very exposed, but i really want to be able to get things out of me, or at least start and see how it feels

losing relationship with ex-boyfriend is reason i lost faith and stopped believing in karma. because we shared a special connection which I felt i deserved and is the point of this life, so i felt that the whole system must not work. i needed him and he is not there for me because he is not there for himself

body image – felt better about “out of skin” feeling because i lost three pounds, slightly increased my regimen and gained muscle. increased strength routine to 3x week instead of waiting a few weeks to increase. was obsessing all daily before, now only once a day, and briefly

talked about structuring sessions – 5 minutes for journaling about specific trauma. originally discussed 20, but when i gave this some thought, and how i have recently been meeting goals, it made more sense to start small. i also feel i bounce around too much in session, and wanted her to help me focus more. i talked about staying with one theme, idea or issue until i feel it is resolved, and then moving on to another unless there was something really bothering me or an emergency of mental health sorts. we also decided to spend 10 minutes discussing new items after journaling and then moving on to our main focus, to help stay focused

NOTE: on writing this it occurred to me that my therapist is an art therapist, which i have utilized less and less. I am not sure why this is. I think it is because I really enjoy art, which is why I thought art therapy would be right up my alley. And i do enjoy it, and have had success almost every time we have used it in session, of course to varying degrees. I think i just do not want to associate art with these ugly topics. I should discuss this with her

re-discussed topic from last week: friends father that died who i have vague memories of abusing me, but knew my friend was abused by him. There family was very odd. i have a song associated with this memory, that i really, really despise. I really cannot explain it, but it makes my skin literally crawl, like the first video in my creepy ads post. I just can’t bear to listen to it, but it is associated with that memory. I wonder if that song was popular then, and maybe I heard it when I was being abused? just writing this I get a memory of it on the radio, the door open, a man over me holding my neck, moving up and down, i am looking at the slightly open door, just looking, looking….

That fucker was a coke addict, worked on the hill at a chemical plant and was just a world-class asshole. I am having a panic attack and have to stop writing on the subject…moving on.

NOTE: (written later) to find the link for the song above was a real struggle. I find that I kept distracting myself doing other little tasks. I also had many different physical reactions, such as shortness of breath, rubbing my hands together, tense muscles, feeling nauseated, tightness in chest, shaking hands, etc. But I think it is important to mention that I found a few facts:

1. The song is called “Toy Soldiers” and is stated to be about drug addiction, and how it controls your life, like children control their toys. How ironic that this man was a coke fiend…
2. This memory feels like I was about 10 and like I mentioned, I was curious when the song was released. It was in 1989, when I would have been 9. This man interacted in my life between the ages of 8 and 12
3. My memory feels validated, which is overwhelming, and causing a small panic attack so I am done for this post

Feature Image Splash by Paul Shanghai via DeviantArt

My Monster

My Monster Has A Name… actually many. This blog is a safe place for me to share my healing journey from childhood abuse. The topics covered are at times controversial, offensive, horrific, and hopefully sometimes inspiring. Thank you for sharing in my journey.