Trigger Scale: (2/5)
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These are session notes from an older session on June 6th. It is incomplete, but I still wanted to document the therapy process.
Here are my notes:
- i forgot about tape recording the session, which i was excited about. i will try to remember next time. maybe there is a reason i keep forgetting?
- blog – my therapist decided she would not read my blog, and we would discuss only things i brought up myself in therapy sessions.
- this is frustrating because it seems to me like we go back and forth at her whim. i feel it should be ‘our’ decision and a back and forth discussion.
- i sense that there are some ethical questions about it that she is asking herself, or some other ‘block’
- discussed the show “In Treatment” – the show’s therapist tells a couple to have an abortion. i feel a therapist wouldn’t say this, even to make a point. making this type of specific suggestion could leave therapist’s at risk, making it ‘their’ fault if something goes wrong – so i don’t think good therapists do this
- abortion – the last topic lead to us discussing the topic of abortion. which i had discussed with the guy involved the day before. he said he could not be involved, and that it was my fault because i was the women and it is my body. he later relented to 51% my fault is what he meant
- therapy script for communication – i was too nervous to just read it, partially because it was incomplete
- we did talk about the first bullet point group, PTSD
- she said her supervisor and her had talked about me. they were wondering how much time i spend on researching and stuff like I had brought her today (PTSD timeline).
- i asked if she wanted me to count time writing for the blog, and she replied just research at first. i said about 30 minutes a day on average, because i go some weeks with none, and some days where i spend a few hours
- but i spend a lot of time writing, maybe 1-3 hours a day, 5 days a week sometimes, which i did not tell her. because she asked me how much time i spend out of my head? this made me dissociate i think, because i started blathering. i felt trapped
Reaction to last session:
- felt like i have made a lot of progress internally, but have not done anything to change my actual life (what life?)
- like i have no friends
- i am afraid to get out of my head – where it is safe
- i am afraid of what I would do or have to handle if i try and explore
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