Trigger Scale: (1/5) [rate 1]

I have had a reoccurring dream that started when I was 5. I think the dream finished it’s cycle a few months ago and that it is unlikely to show up again. I usually have the dream at least once a year, but each time it has a haunting familiarity like I have dreamed about it each night for centuries over many life times.

In the dream I am about 5 and in my step-father’s parents house. The house is a large one-story ranch style house with two main living areas (bedrooms and bathrooms) that are on either side of a central living room and kitchen. In this dream I am in the back part of the house, which I am afraid of. I consider it dark, but really it has just as many windows as the other set of bedrooms.

I am trying to come out of the back area and into the kitchen for dinner. I can hear everyone at the table, my grandfather, grandmother, brother, and step-father, all sitting just a few feet away from me, on the other side of the wall. I am on the ground, trying to crawl around the wall to the table, but I cannot move or make a sound.

I am stuck, belly to the floor, arms reaching out in front of me. I am trying to call out to them – trying to scream, to move, to do anything. My mouth is stuck wide open and I can see shear terror in my eyes. But I just cannot move. I am just stuck there, listening to them all eating and enjoying each other’s company while I am in agony, terrified and stuck in the back of the house.

I’m Not OK. by =MEGAN-Yrrbby on deviantART

—

Now that I have started to recover my memories I can recall being abused in the back part of the house. On the more figurative side I interpret this dream to mean that I felt silenced and stuck in my circumstances. I felt like I had no voice and that I would never escape the oppression that was my everyday life.

However, I now know differently. I know that if I keep moving forward, I am not oppressed and that I will reach my goals.

My Monster

My Monster Has A Name… actually many. This blog is a safe place for me to share my healing journey from childhood abuse. The topics covered are at times controversial, offensive, horrific, and hopefully sometimes inspiring. Thank you for sharing in my journey.