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My Own Prison by Aimelle

My Own Prison by Aimelle

To sum it up simply, I started having an interest in starting therapy again at the start of this year because my life is the same shit it has always been. I think the best way for me to illustrate this point and to really drive it home, I should explain what a typical week/day looks like for me, and has for the past 10 years:

  • Not working – I have no “real” excuse since I work from home and for myself
  • Beating myself up for not working and not having financial freedom
  • Lack of discipline in daily grooming – brushing teeth, showering, eating, exercising, etc.
  • Lack of discipline in regular chores – cleaning, cooking, shopping, car maintenance, etc.
  • Beating myself up for my lack of discipline in all areas of life
  • Interpersonal issues
  • Severe, sometimes only moderate, social anxiety
  • Panic attacks – usually they are not too bad, sometimes they take me out for a whole day
  • Flashbacks – not fun
  • Night terrors – mostly every night, I’m talking sheet soaking, waking up multiple times startled as fuck. Recently I have even found myself waking up crying, WTF?
  • Overall depression and lack of interest

I feel like I struggle daily with regular tasks that most people take getting accomplished for granted. But in the past I had just accepted this as part of MY life. I try to do the best I can with any given day. Some days I give up on getting anything productive done, others I almost feel like a normal, hard-working adult who is part of the functioning society.

But now I want more from life. And MY life wasn’t going to get any better until I could really put the past behind me, and start living MY life without all the above burdens. I’m sick of beating myself up everyday for something I haven’t healed from, and didn’t even really know how to as demonstrated from all the past posts on this blog.

And that is when the bell rung for me – I didn’t KNOW HOW to heal. With that realization I decided I needed to give therapy another chance, from a completely different perspective.

In the next post, Why I Started Therapy AGAIN – Part 2, I will explain exactly how I came to the realization that I wanted to give therapy another chance (for what?, at least the FIFTH time).

My Monster Has A Name… actually many. This blog is a safe place for me to share my healing journey from childhood abuse. The topics covered are at times controversial, offensive, horrific, and hopefully sometimes inspiring. Thank you for sharing in my journey.